Honesty in recovery

Is it ok to admit to being a fuck up?
The short answer is yes. In fact, I actually think it’s integral to recovery; if we don’t admit to fucking up (relapsing) we continue on in this perverse secret world that those who have an eating disorder have created for ourselves. I know how much easier it is for me to tell people I’ve had a good week than it is to admit to someone ‘actually I made myself sick three times yesterday because someone didn’t reply to a text in time so I convinced myself no one would ever love or understand me and so I ate (insert unfathomable amount of food here.)’ The truth is though, through admitting to people that care enough to ask how we are doing we are again holding ourselves accountable for our actions. It also opens up the dialogue of talking through any possible triggers and solutions to these triggers. Bare in mind I am speaking not from a place of high and mighty recovered bulimic but someone very much still in the throws of it (I binged this morning actually and am trying to break the purging cycle so am writing to try and stop myself)

When I have a good day and have no desire to engage in any of my disordered behaviours it’s almost always (unfortunately) because I’ve spent the day in someone elses’ company and have therefore not had to spend time with myself. Which again leads us back to the root cause of all of this for the vast majority of us; no self worth. But, how the hell do you go about getting any of that stuff?

I’ve been working with my therapist on coming up with a few ways to slowly help and perhaps they’ll be useful for some of you too so here we go…

Affirmations
Something I have never committed to doing before because it just seems so ridiculous to say I love myself when it’s so evidently not true, however my therapist and I decided that seeing as I can’t even say those words to myself in my head perhaps we should start with something a little more middle-ground so we decided on ‘I accept myself.’ In thinking about what the term acceptance really means it’s actually not so middle ground at all; in saying we fully and totally accept ourselves we are saying that every flaw, imperfection and perceived negative quality is recognized but is not in any way to be seen as a reason to punish ourselves and If we accept ourselves for who we are isn’t it just a small step from liking ourselves?

Reading
I’ve spent years reading articles, lectures, novels and self-help books on eating disorders and to be honest not one has ever been useful in any other way than teaching me new tricks. Something I do find helpful though is reading about the emotional side of the illness, the root causes and the psychological changes within us.
The latest books on my list to get through are Eating Mindfully by Susan Albers, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L.Hay and Healing The Child within by Charles L. Whitfield.

Exercise
This one is equal parts important as it is damaging to me because I still find it so hard to find middle ground with anything I do so I will either work out 2-3 hours a day and obsessively count my macros or I will do absolutely no exercise at all.
Undoubtedly though, when I have managed to stick to a normal routine and listen to my body I have felt a great deal of clarity and satisfaction from working out.
Don’t think that just because you don’t like running you don’t like exercise as well, it’s so important to find something that works for you, I can’t stand it when someone tells me I should try ‘tabata training’ because it’ll really help ‘lean me out’ Fuck off Gordon I’m trying not to die.
I love yoga and weightlifting, both make me feel strong and accomplished but to be honest I don’t do enough of either right now and I should probably be in the gym at the moment rather than writing this (I’m getting good at being honest.)

Band Trick
This is a new one from my therapist as well and it has already affected the way my inner monologue functions. It’s very simple; you wear a hair band around your wrist and every time you think or say something negative about yourself you switch it over to the other wrist. It gives you some realisation of just how many times a day you are saying something to yourself that is providing you with nothing but more negative energy and will bring you nothing but more pain and suffering. It doesn’t stop the thoughts but it helps you become aware and that’s the first step of changing an unhelpful behaviour.

This is by no means a conclusive list and I’d love to hear if you have any other suggestions. I’d also like to thank everyone that got in contact with me over the last week, I’ve had so many messages of support and love so thank you.

Love and light

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Coming Clean

It’s 5:48 am, I haven’t slept again and I’ve spent the day crying and binging and purging. I’m twenty three years old on Saturday and something needs to change. It occurred to me that accountability and really taking ownership of my problems may help my recovery so even though this scares the shit out of me I am finally going to be honest about everything.

I am bulimic, I have been bulimic since I was fourteen. It has swung between severe anorexia and all the way to full on binge eating disorder. the only thing that has been consistent is I have never fully recovered and created a normal and healthy relationship with food. Whether it was obsessively exercising for hours everyday or taking so many laxatives I passed out from dehydration I have done it. I am not proud of what I have done to my body and frankly I am surprised I am still alive after what I have put it through.

I have been in countless hospitals over the last decade that all tried desperately to help me, obviously to no avail. I usually would fake recovery until I was let out and would immediately go back to my disordered behaviours. I don’t think discussing numbers in terms of calories, weights etc is useful for anyone in recovery so I will never mention numbers, they are also somewhat irrelevant as anyone with an eating disorder knows; your weight does not dictate how sick your brain is.
What I will say is, I have been sick, very, very sick to the point of being threatened with sectioning, to the point of being rushed to hospital after a weight and blood pressure check left my key worker terrified I would have a heart attack at any given moment.
I don’t want to be the sick girl anymore. I want to be free and love myself and finally achieve what I know I am capable of.

Ultimately my problems come down to a total lack of self worth and I also believe my eating disorder is a by-product of Borderline personality disorder which I also have (It’s all a barrel of laughs in my head)
I was only diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder (BPD) earlier this year after a total breakdown which resulted in yet another hospital stay. Since then I have been working on building myself up again and honestly trying to know what it really means to love yourself. It shouldn’t be such a hard task but I think for so many of us it is extremely difficult and is something that can plague your life if not conquered.

So, why am I doing this? Why am I sharing this huge secret with the world even though it terrifies me?
Because I want to let go, I have lied for almost a decade. I have sabotaged opportunity after opportunity because I convince myself that I will only achieve anything if I am skinnier, I have ruined relationships beyond repair through the constant mood swings and lashing out (BPD thanks). I have hurt my family and caused constant stress for all of them because despite what my illnesses tell me; people do care about me.

I have realised coming out, owning my illness and taking responsibility for what it means will mean I don’t have the secretive, self damaging world to hide behind anymore and I might finally be able to find freedom from it. I constantly speak to friends about mental health struggles and taking charge of their own recovery but I never take my own advice. Why do I value everyone else over myself? I still don’t know but I do know that I deserve recovery too, even if it scares me. So, if you’ll have me lets journey down the path to total self acceptance together.

Namaste bitch

I wish I had cancer

I wish I had cancer,
I wish I had a heart attack,
I wish I had a stroke,
I wish I had an illness that had research charity shops on every high street,
I wish I had an illness that had marathons every month for awareness,
I wish I had an illness that didn’t make paramedics feel it’s appropriate to say “but you’re pretty, can’t you just get over it?”
I wish that I had an illness that gave me a physical indication of how unwell I am other than unwashed hair,
I wish I had an illness that didn’t make people give useless advise like “keep your chin up” on a regular basis,
I wish that I didn’t have to prove my illness to people that ‘don’t believe in mental issues’
I wish that I didn’t have an illness that ruins family relationships,
I wish I had an illness that let me see some way out other than death,
I wish that in order to get help I didn’t have to reach a place so dark I may never get out.
But mostly, I wish for it all to go away.

I have suffered from depression since I was fourteen years old.
I have had countless therapists, anti-depressants, yoga sessions, positive thinking hypnosis sessions and God knows what else.
It is still so hard to get help, so hard that just this week I had to call a crisis team that has ignored my calls for weeks to try and find some relief. So hard that this week when I was picked up in an ambulance the paramedics told me I looked ‘too normal’ to be ill and that ‘I was just a pretty girl.’
I want no part of this illness. It has stripped me of self-esteem, friendships, countless jobs and opportunities, romantic relationships, support from my family and the will to carry on.
I don’t want to be a self-indulgent depressed mess.
I want a life, I want a girlfriend, I want confidence, I want a job, I want to do something other than exist.

The hardest part of this illness is not everything I have listed above, it is knowing that no matter what I do, what therapy I take, what medication I am prescribed I will always, always live in fear of the next relapse.
I am tired of fighting.
I am tired of crying.
I am tired of begging for help.
I am tired.

Disclaimer* I am well aware of the suffering all cancer patients are going through, many of my family are currently suffering and have died of said illness. This article is in no way meant to demean or belittle that suffering. It is an article meant to shock and grab attention for mental health which is so desperately needed. We cannot continue to treat illnesses of the mind differently to illnesses of the physical body.

Faysal Hassan

Having spoken to Faysal on an off for over a year we finally got together to shoot a few months back and I have since become very good friends with him. Faysal is still at university and has already become a force to be reckoned with. He has a distinct style that is mainly influenced by his own struggles with mental health which is a subject very close to home for me. His work is fearless and he strives to create an honesty which I really appreciate.
Read More

Curly vision Hair extensions

I had the pleasure of teaming up with curly vision hair extensions this month for their launch campaign.

 

The company,  uses a mix of Remy and Anatolian hair in order to get the smooth shininess that Remy allows and the volume and gusto that Anatolian hair brings.

They offer clip ins and a salon professional range in lengths from 18 inches to 24!

There is a 15% discount right now with code LAUNCH15 so hurry to get yourself some goodies!

 

Lucy’s girlfriend

Woah!

Long time no see! I’ll catch you up, last month my gorgeous girlfriend and I were asked to shoot for Pimp my Pants new handmade lingerie collection so we said hell yeah and went off to Birmingham to shoot with my favourite photographer James Beddoes. Lounging around in some saucy underwear with your girlfriend is not the worst way to spend your day!

The work was published on sticks and stones agency; an emporium for rad shit so I’ll link everything down below but hey here’s some cheeky pictures!

Love and stuff ✨

http://www.pimpmypants.com

Lucy’s girlfriend

Check more out on my Instagram at @lucyannajackson

 

 

 

Aliening ☯️

Sometimes you have to just cover your hair in oil, take your clothes off and look strange!

Transform yourself daily, use yesterday’s failures as inpiration for today.
Life is hard and achieving your goals is even harder but we can’t give up. This was captured on a day when I was feeling awful and just wanted to lie in bed and feel sorry for myself but from pain we created some beautiful art. Keep pushing on little earthlings ☯️

Lucy

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Captured by Holly Meadows
MUA Laurel Woodward
Hair extensions Beautyworks

 

Dream Team shoot

Hi guys,
IMAGE HEAVY POST!

If you follow me on my various social media platforms beware; spamming of new images will happen!
On the 15th Feb I met up with my favorite team – Holly Meadows and Laurel Woodward for a crazy day of creative juice flowing!
Here are the images from our first set and as warned, there are many more to come!

I have free dates coming up for if you’re interested in shooting or are a designer wanting new product shots then get in touch via email or instagram and lets make some magic!

@Lucyjacksonmodel on Instagram
Lucy.94@hotmail.co.uk

My hairpiece is Beautyworks
Styling by me
Photographer Holly Meadows
Mua Laurel Woodward


Find Holly and Laurel on instagram too
@hollyemeadows @laurelwoodwardmakeup