It’s 5:48 am, I haven’t slept again and I’ve spent the day crying and binging and purging. I’m twenty three years old on Saturday and something needs to change. It occurred to me that accountability and really taking ownership of my problems may help my recovery so even though this scares the shit out of me I am finally going to be honest about everything.
I am bulimic, I have been bulimic since I was fourteen. It has swung between severe anorexia and all the way to full on binge eating disorder. the only thing that has been consistent is I have never fully recovered and created a normal and healthy relationship with food. Whether it was obsessively exercising for hours everyday or taking so many laxatives I passed out from dehydration I have done it. I am not proud of what I have done to my body and frankly I am surprised I am still alive after what I have put it through.
I have been in countless hospitals over the last decade that all tried desperately to help me, obviously to no avail. I usually would fake recovery until I was let out and would immediately go back to my disordered behaviours. I don’t think discussing numbers in terms of calories, weights etc is useful for anyone in recovery so I will never mention numbers, they are also somewhat irrelevant as anyone with an eating disorder knows; your weight does not dictate how sick your brain is.
What I will say is, I have been sick, very, very sick to the point of being threatened with sectioning, to the point of being rushed to hospital after a weight and blood pressure check left my key worker terrified I would have a heart attack at any given moment.
I don’t want to be the sick girl anymore. I want to be free and love myself and finally achieve what I know I am capable of.
Ultimately my problems come down to a total lack of self worth and I also believe my eating disorder is a by-product of Borderline personality disorder which I also have (It’s all a barrel of laughs in my head)
I was only diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder (BPD) earlier this year after a total breakdown which resulted in yet another hospital stay. Since then I have been working on building myself up again and honestly trying to know what it really means to love yourself. It shouldn’t be such a hard task but I think for so many of us it is extremely difficult and is something that can plague your life if not conquered.
So, why am I doing this? Why am I sharing this huge secret with the world even though it terrifies me?
Because I want to let go, I have lied for almost a decade. I have sabotaged opportunity after opportunity because I convince myself that I will only achieve anything if I am skinnier, I have ruined relationships beyond repair through the constant mood swings and lashing out (BPD thanks). I have hurt my family and caused constant stress for all of them because despite what my illnesses tell me; people do care about me.
I have realised coming out, owning my illness and taking responsibility for what it means will mean I don’t have the secretive, self damaging world to hide behind anymore and I might finally be able to find freedom from it. I constantly speak to friends about mental health struggles and taking charge of their own recovery but I never take my own advice. Why do I value everyone else over myself? I still don’t know but I do know that I deserve recovery too, even if it scares me. So, if you’ll have me lets journey down the path to total self acceptance together.