I wish I had cancer

I wish I had cancer,
I wish I had a heart attack,
I wish I had a stroke,
I wish I had an illness that had research charity shops on every high street,
I wish I had an illness that had marathons every month for awareness,
I wish I had an illness that didn’t make paramedics feel it’s appropriate to say “but you’re pretty, can’t you just get over it?”
I wish that I had an illness that gave me a physical indication of how unwell I am other than unwashed hair,
I wish I had an illness that didn’t make people give useless advise like “keep your chin up” on a regular basis,
I wish that I didn’t have to prove my illness to people that ‘don’t believe in mental issues’
I wish that I didn’t have an illness that ruins family relationships,
I wish I had an illness that let me see some way out other than death,
I wish that in order to get help I didn’t have to reach a place so dark I may never get out.
But mostly, I wish for it all to go away.

I have suffered from depression since I was fourteen years old.
I have had countless therapists, anti-depressants, yoga sessions, positive thinking hypnosis sessions and God knows what else.
It is still so hard to get help, so hard that just this week I had to call a crisis team that has ignored my calls for weeks to try and find some relief. So hard that this week when I was picked up in an ambulance the paramedics told me I looked ‘too normal’ to be ill and that ‘I was just a pretty girl.’
I want no part of this illness. It has stripped me of self-esteem, friendships, countless jobs and opportunities, romantic relationships, support from my family and the will to carry on.
I don’t want to be a self-indulgent depressed mess.
I want a life, I want a girlfriend, I want confidence, I want a job, I want to do something other than exist.

The hardest part of this illness is not everything I have listed above, it is knowing that no matter what I do, what therapy I take, what medication I am prescribed I will always, always live in fear of the next relapse.
I am tired of fighting.
I am tired of crying.
I am tired of begging for help.
I am tired.

Disclaimer* I am well aware of the suffering all cancer patients are going through, many of my family are currently suffering and have died of said illness. This article is in no way meant to demean or belittle that suffering. It is an article meant to shock and grab attention for mental health which is so desperately needed. We cannot continue to treat illnesses of the mind differently to illnesses of the physical body.


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